Here it is March 23, the Vernal Equinox has passed, the natural world is coming alive in so many ways. I hear peepers and frogs on Lake Metacomet at dusk and dawn, song birds and water birds are beginning to migrate back and are creating a symphony of sounds. The buds are forming on the flowering trees, the crocuses have bloomed, the tulips are not far behind. It is a time for renewal and celebration, right?
So why do I feel like crap? Why do I feel depressed and unhappy? Two words: Chronic Migraines. Chronic migraine is defined as having migraine attacks on at least 15 days of the month or more. That’s at least half of the month lost to a monster that hammers into your brain, leaving an “axe” in your head, leaving you to endure day upon day of cumulative pain that just wears you down. This doesn’t even begin to cover the other symptoms of migraine which can be just as debilitating and disturbing, including but not limited to: nausea & vomiting; light sensitivity; fatigue; facial, neck and shoulder pain (sometimes severe); dizziness; tinnitus; and vertigo.
I know I said in my previous post that this blog wouldn’t be a pity party and that I’d try to keep this as light and fluffy as possible. But I am just not feeling it today. I am honestly going through a rough patch and the beautiful Spring weather we are having, and the awakening of the natural world, is just reminding me of how much I am unable to do. Yes, I know, I know. Don’t look at it as the glass half empty, blah, blah blah. I work really hard at that. The New Agers will want you to change your thoughts because they create your reality. There is a kernel of truth in that philosophy, but I also believe in radical acceptance of where you are in the present.
Where I am right now, in this present moment, is in a place where I am unable to participate in many of the activities that I love to do. I am no longer the person that I once was. I have to change and adapt and grieve. I have to let go that I cannot work in the garden like I once did, working for hours until my body aches, but glowing in the satisfaction of admiring our garden all season long. I can no longer take an 8 mile bike ride in the hot sun without it most likely triggering a wicked migraine that will last a couple of days and will take me down, onto that proverbial sofa. I let down the people I love because I can’t see them when I want to or do fun activities with them. I can no longer be free spirited and do things on a whim. Everything must be methodically planned but often cancelled. Or just not planned at all, because I either have migraine pain, or am recovering from an attack. The head rules all, and not in a positive way.
Is there hope? That will be covered in my next blog entry. So, you won’t want to miss it. It’s gonna be dynamite! I will post when I feel like there is hope and I feel like I have a plan that includes hope…..”Just like that black crow…diving down to pick up on every shiny little thing”….like I once used to do.